Family Portriat

I have a Twitter account that I don't use. I check it periodically to see how drunk Blake Shelton is and to follow the only friend I have that tweets on the regular... sometimes every 10 mins. (I put sometimes in bold to emphasize it. I'm not saying my friend is an ALL the time Twitter flooder.) My friend is also a re-tweeter. Re-tweeting is awesome for someone that is as nosey as I am because basically you get to see the Tweets of others without actively stalking them. I stalk enough on Facebook, I don't need to be a Twitter stalker too. That just screams CREEPY! I prefer softly-whisper-inappropriate-things-nonchalantly-into-your-ears creepy. *goober smile*

So when I checked Twitter the other day, time sorta stood still for me. I read the re-tweet my friend tweeted (God, I feel like a twit typing variations of tweet so much in this post!):

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."

WOW! I have been feeling that recently. I mean I have felt that all my life, but it has been weighing heavily on me recently. People always say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but even weeds are better than the dirt covered acre that I have. I remember being little, going to church with everyone... my grandmother and grandfather, all my cousins (that were born), my aunts and uncles... afterwards we'd go back to my grandparent's house for supper. That was before the divorce. Then it only happened every other Sunday and then only for holidays every other year. When it happened it was perfect. That was family. At least that is the way I remember it.

I went out to eat with a friend last week. It was me and my children, her and her children, her sister, brother-in-law and their child, and her parents. Halfway thru the meal I realized this is it. THIS. This is everything I have missed in my life. This is everything I wanted to give my children... family closeness. There was no fighting, no bickering, no I am rights, no grudges, no judgements... well, at least with each other. This was unconditional family love. This was the thing that I haven't had regularly since I was 5 years old. The only problem? This wasn't my family. I'm quick to know that. I know that a lot where ever I go, whenever I am involved in similar situations. Reality check: I don't REALLY belong here.

So again, I stare at the re-tweeted tweet:

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."

And I feel it. It is gut wrenching. I have a family. MY family. The family I created with my husband. The pressure is monumental. HOW do I not fuck up my kids to the point that they feel this way? How do I make a close knit family from nothing? There is no matriarch. There is no we-are-going-to-eat-supper-after-church-at-grandma's-house-every-Sunday. There is no teaching how to make biscuits from scratch or gathering in the living room to watch Hee-Haw or the Waltons. I have to create that from nothing. I have to start the traditions myself, so that a generation from now my grandchildren will be the ones coming to my house for supper, talking about the memories they had growing up with their children. Again, I would like to point out just how monumental the pressure is in doing that, especially when you don't have the guidance from a family elder.

So yet again, I stare at the re-tweeted tweet:

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."



And then I look up at my children. And I pray. I pray that they realize how much they are wanted. I pray that they realize how much they are valued. I pray that they know their worth. I pray that they enjoy life and are sincerely happy. I pray that I don't screw their heads up the way my head is screwed up. I pray that they feel safe in their home. I pray that they want to come home. I pray that they love each other and that they will remain close as they grow up and as adults. I pray that they will visit me often in their adulthood. But most of all, I pray that they experience the feeling of a real family, because family IS the bridge that links generations, morals, values, and unconditional love. Family... family is EVERYTHING.