Playing God

Today in Sunday school, my four year old boy was taught about how God created the Earth. And then he was given the opportunity to create. A blank sheet was placed in front of him. A clean slate. A fresh start. He was given flower stickers to choose from, to place where he wanted to. He was given star stickers, tree leaves, acorns, and many of God's other creations to place anywhere he'd like. And it was so. It was a lesson he enjoyed and he spoke highly of his creation on the ride home. When we walked thru the door, he showed his daddy what he had created with conviction. Then, as I made lunch, my four year old son sat on the kitchen floor and piece by piece dismantled and destroyed his creation. When asked why, he matter-of-factly stated because he "wanted to". My husband pointed out that God does the same thing. God created the Earth and then he rips it apart. "We just had a Hurricane, right?", he used as an example and then sarcastically added, "Maybe God is a four year old boy." I thought about that. I thought about how God grants people blessings and then... in the spur of the moment... without any warning... he destroys some aspect of their lives... leaving behind a trail of collateral damage. Or at least that is the way it seems. At times. Maybe God IS a four year old boy??

Or maybe God protects us because he knows things that we don't know, but to nip-it-in-the-bud he has to re-arrange the landscape, re-adjust relationships, bring grief, terror and fear to re-shape us. Build us up. Make us stronger. For what we MAY encounter down the road. To give us a clean slate. A fresh start. Because we are forgiven. Time and time again.

I choose to believe the latter.

(dis)Connected

I have always considered myself to have technological smarts. I'm pretty connected. I interact with my phone more than I do with real people. I "get" the ALT/CTRL/DELETE  and [\] jokes, and I can communicate text shorthand with all the cool kids. Yep, I may have been born in the 70's but I am as hip as those born in the 90's. If you don't believe me, take a gander at my Facebook. That screams THIS CHICK IS FREAKING COOLER THAN COOL! What's cooler than cool? Ice cold, baby! Ice. Cold. Anyway. The point is, I know my way around technology.

I'm not a reader. When you are hanging out with your dork friends, discussing Oprah's book of the month, over a Frappe, I'm the wannabe kid in the corner. With the headphones. Playing Song Pop. The only book I have read in the past 2 years... that wasn't on a Kindergarten reading level... is Facebook. Did I mention that I was connected?? Sometimes though, I will be compelled to stay up for days at a time and read a book. This seems to happen about every two years. And the time is now. I prefer paperbacks. They fold nicely so that I can walk around and complete my motherly chores as I read... much like when I am reading my favorite book, Facebook.

So after a discussion with a friend, I decided that I wanted to read a certain book. I asked if I could borrow it. I am cheap, so I don't like to buy my books. The library isn't really an option. I am lazy and don't really return my books. Friends I like. I don't have too many of them, so I sorta value them a bit and will go out of my way to return the item. Eventually. So I ask if I could borrow the book. The only problem, the book wasn't a book. It was on a Nook. Yes, the Coca-Cola-esque product of the Kindle. Luckily, I have fooled some people into thinking that I am trustworthy and I was given the Nook on Sunday.

I'm not sure if you caught on to the fact that I play a game called Song Pop. If you missed that point maybe you were too focused on your Oprah book club discussion? Or maybe you spilled your Frappe on your white pants (Really? Do you really have the body for white pants?) and missed me? The cooler than cool chick in the corner? The one with the headphones? The one that just yelled "Fuck" out loud because she accidentally hit Eminem's name instead of Dr. Dre? Yes! That is me. I'm playing Song Pop. So I play am addicted to this game and on Sunday I was busy playing someone who knew their music and didn't have time for reading. Or making dinner. Or bathing kids. Or doing dishes. Or brushing my teeth. Or doing anything really that wasn't hitting a phone screen and screaming obscenities every three minutes. So I didn't even look at the Nook.

Last night I finally had the desire to break it out. I had a quick lesson on Sunday on how to work the damned thing. Yes. I was given instructions on how to read a book. But like I have mentioned, I consider myself technologically savvy. I mean, one of my best friends is in IT, so that by default makes me practically Bill Gates, right? So I didn't pay THAT much attention to how to work the thing. But how hard could it be? I break out the Nook. The Nook that was last charged before I got it.

The Nook is in this cute little green case like thing. I say cute because it is green. Green is the best color in the world, so that makes it cute. I'm really not that hard to please. I half way open the case and press the power button as I go up to lay on my bed. I know it's the power button because that was the tutorial. Also, during the tutorial, I realized a Nook is slower than dial-up when it comes to booting. WOW! But that gave me plenty of time to play Song Pop as I waited. And waited. It was turning on, because the screen said it was. However, I lack patience. So I turned the damn thing off. But the screen still said it was loading. Weird. So I turn it on again. The screen doesn't budge. So I freak. OMG! I'm gonna have to buy this chick a new Nook. That means I'm gonna have to keep this Nook. But I don't wanna Nook. the only thing you can do with a Nook is read. I don't read. Damn! UGH! So I did what any reasonable person would do. I plugged it in to the charger and turned it on and off. Nothing! Just a little light that indicated it was getting power! So I figured I'd do the next reasonable thing. Pull. The. Battery.

The nook isn't too big. It is smaller than my Netbook. My Netbook has a battery. The back of the Nook looks like my phone. My phone has a battery. I did not see ANY indication that this damned Nook has a battery. If it did, you had to be MacGyver to figure out a way in. I was gonna call my friend who also has a Nook, but it was after midnight and despite my anxiety, I didn't feel as though this negated a "WTF? It's after midnight!" call. So I did the next best thing. Google: Remove Nook Battery. Wa-la! Google told me to pry the cover off with my fingernails. I looked at my hands. Yep. I bit those off already. Thankfully, my fingers are like claws themselves and I managed to pry the thing off. In tact. Bonus! And then I saw the battery.

The battery of a Nook looks much like a phone battery. I was surprised. So I go to pull it out. Wrong. That sucker is screwed in. With a little tiny screw. Like a screw from eye glasses. Those little screws that hold your lenses in your glasses. The ones that fall out sometimes and your lens pops out. Then you have to crawl around on the floor, half blind, looking for a screw the size of a deer tick. Because that is what gets eye glass manufactures off. The thought of half blind people looking for that screw. Yeah, well that was the screw that was in the Nook. So down the stairs I go. To look for a tiny assed screwdriver so that I can pull this battery.

My husband is very tool savvy. I know that if I don't use the correct screw driver I can strip the screw. I know this because EVERY. time. I use a screw driver he tells me. Luckily I found a screw driver that worked. And unscrewed the screw. Of course I dropped the screw on the floor. Thankfully, not only was the floor clean, I was able to wear my eyeglasses so the screw was found relatively quickly. And I pulled the battery. And nothing. Screen still said it was loading. UGH! UGH! UGH! I replaced the battery, screw, back cover, and went to seek knowledge from my pal Google.

Have you ever Goggled "Frozen Nook screen"? It's a lot like Goggling side pain, nose pain, toe pain... anything like that. Yep. You automatically have cancer and you are gonna die before you get in to see your doctor. A Frozen Nook screen is the screen of death. Your machine has malfunctioned and well, you should have gotten a Kindle. Shit. I just bought a broken Nook and worse than that, I can't read the book I wanted to read. So I did what any other person would do. I plugged it in and prayed. Then I feel asleep.

When I woke up, I played Song Pop and then I tried to turn the Nook on. It booted right up! And then I saw the book titles. And then I realized how dorky my friend was. I also realized that Nook batteries don't last long at all. So if you found this post because you Goggled: Frozen Nook screen, just plug the damned thing in. Or return it and buy a Kindle.

Mark Driscoll "The Cussing Pastor"

Last Sunday, at Church, my pastor made reference to someone known as the "Cussing Pastor", a pastor that uses swear words in his sermons. The Bible talks about not being characterized by obscenity, foolish talk, or coarse joking, which are “out of place” for a believer (Ephesians 5:4), so how can a pastor talk like that to his congregation and be preaching the word of God? This is a struggle of mine. I have a potty mouth. At times it is pretty bad. It is something I am aware of. It is something that I am working to correct. It is something that I fail at. A lot. So I searched for the "Cussing Pastor" on YouTube. I immediately got some cracked up dude that resembled Snoop Dogg saying swear word after swear word. I listened for less than a minute and read a few YouTube video comments that lead me to believe this was NOT the man my pastor spoke of. So I continued my search and I found Mark Driscoll. Now I am not sure if this is the man my pastor spoke of, but this Driscoll character caught my attention immediately in a sermon on Idols. He was blunt and to the point. So I watched a few more. I did NOT hear one swear word, although some of his sermons were on subjects that are a little bit totally touche in any mainstream church.

I posted one of his videos on Facebook. I did it to get a rise out of people. I do that. I like to debate. It worked. I also got a message from a friend. The message was a post written by author and faith based blogger, Rachel Held Evans. It seems there is some controversy with Pastor Mark. I do not know if Mark Driscoll is an asshat. He might be. The controversy that surrounds him is waaaay above me.

I was not raised in Church. The only Christian background I have is when I was able to be around my grandparents. Up until a few months ago I didn't even believe in the gospel. This whole Christianity thing is new to me. And I am in awe. I can't even put into words the way Jesus makes me feel. But I have questions. I have A LOT of questions. And I feel like asking my questions is like a 16 year old girl discussing her period with her school's Football Coach who happens to be the Health Education teacher. She doesn't wanna ask, and he sure as hell doesn't want to hear...let alone answer. So my friends get the questions. But they don't have the answers. Some of them have been going to Church all of their lives, but you know what? They have the same questions! And so I get the answer that they have been given. "Pray on it." "Read the Bible." "That is between you and God." Like hell it is! I want a discussion! I wanna know if other people feel like me! I wanna know if thinking the way I think means that something is the matter with me! I wanna know if I am normal! I wanna know if there is hope for me!

This is a perfect example. My pastor and a few friends will be familiar with this question. Mark Driscoll offers a bit more than the "Pray on it." "Read the Bible." "That is between you and God." answers.

The only thing I do know is that Mark Driscoll has the balls to allow persuade people to be comfortable enough ask these unorthodox questions that older, new believers have about faith and answer them without a sugar coating. Like I said, I don't know if he is a jerk and I don't care. He is not preaching at the pulpit that I seek wisdom from every Sunday. And that makes all the difference.

Family Portriat

I have a Twitter account that I don't use. I check it periodically to see how drunk Blake Shelton is and to follow the only friend I have that tweets on the regular... sometimes every 10 mins. (I put sometimes in bold to emphasize it. I'm not saying my friend is an ALL the time Twitter flooder.) My friend is also a re-tweeter. Re-tweeting is awesome for someone that is as nosey as I am because basically you get to see the Tweets of others without actively stalking them. I stalk enough on Facebook, I don't need to be a Twitter stalker too. That just screams CREEPY! I prefer softly-whisper-inappropriate-things-nonchalantly-into-your-ears creepy. *goober smile*

So when I checked Twitter the other day, time sorta stood still for me. I read the re-tweet my friend tweeted (God, I feel like a twit typing variations of tweet so much in this post!):

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."

WOW! I have been feeling that recently. I mean I have felt that all my life, but it has been weighing heavily on me recently. People always say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but even weeds are better than the dirt covered acre that I have. I remember being little, going to church with everyone... my grandmother and grandfather, all my cousins (that were born), my aunts and uncles... afterwards we'd go back to my grandparent's house for supper. That was before the divorce. Then it only happened every other Sunday and then only for holidays every other year. When it happened it was perfect. That was family. At least that is the way I remember it.

I went out to eat with a friend last week. It was me and my children, her and her children, her sister, brother-in-law and their child, and her parents. Halfway thru the meal I realized this is it. THIS. This is everything I have missed in my life. This is everything I wanted to give my children... family closeness. There was no fighting, no bickering, no I am rights, no grudges, no judgements... well, at least with each other. This was unconditional family love. This was the thing that I haven't had regularly since I was 5 years old. The only problem? This wasn't my family. I'm quick to know that. I know that a lot where ever I go, whenever I am involved in similar situations. Reality check: I don't REALLY belong here.

So again, I stare at the re-tweeted tweet:

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."

And I feel it. It is gut wrenching. I have a family. MY family. The family I created with my husband. The pressure is monumental. HOW do I not fuck up my kids to the point that they feel this way? How do I make a close knit family from nothing? There is no matriarch. There is no we-are-going-to-eat-supper-after-church-at-grandma's-house-every-Sunday. There is no teaching how to make biscuits from scratch or gathering in the living room to watch Hee-Haw or the Waltons. I have to create that from nothing. I have to start the traditions myself, so that a generation from now my grandchildren will be the ones coming to my house for supper, talking about the memories they had growing up with their children. Again, I would like to point out just how monumental the pressure is in doing that, especially when you don't have the guidance from a family elder.

So yet again, I stare at the re-tweeted tweet:

"I wish I could experience the feeling of a real family."



And then I look up at my children. And I pray. I pray that they realize how much they are wanted. I pray that they realize how much they are valued. I pray that they know their worth. I pray that they enjoy life and are sincerely happy. I pray that I don't screw their heads up the way my head is screwed up. I pray that they feel safe in their home. I pray that they want to come home. I pray that they love each other and that they will remain close as they grow up and as adults. I pray that they will visit me often in their adulthood. But most of all, I pray that they experience the feeling of a real family, because family IS the bridge that links generations, morals, values, and unconditional love. Family... family is EVERYTHING.







I'm a pretty complex person; this is where I will show you pieces of me. (That is right, this blog is about  me. I am conceited like that.) Some pieces will be humorous funnier than hell, while others will be so completely serious that you are bound to get pissed off and throw your computer thru a window. Maybe you might get lucky and find the piece that is behind the couch... you know, the one that makes the sky complete. But then again, I don't know too many lucky people.

To save you the misery of getting blindly involved with a blog only to find out that the author is a prick, here are some things I will blog about:

• My HIGHLY Conservative values, beliefs, and opinions on ANYTHING
• My Faith
• People I judge know
• My Family the people I grew up around
• Anything I feel like, especially song lyrics

Maybe I should start a Don't Hate the Prick Campaign?? Na. Hate me. I don't care.